enter blog title here

NEW WEBSITE, THIS BLOG IS RETIRED

2010-01-07T13:14:00.003-05:00

you can now continue to read my internet stuff at onlinewebsiteinternet.com this blog is now retired. goodbye, blog!

all the old blog stuff will still be on the new blog. i imported it.

captions

2009-12-10T12:10:00.002-05:00

will : it is the east, and juliet is the... hmmm

editor: can you put something in about knights

will: no, that makes no sense in this story

editor: knights are really in this year and your sales are down

editor: what about "it is the east and juliet has a sword for jousting"

will: knights use lances for jousting, not swords

editor: just make somebody a knight

LEROY P DIETZ CANNOT BE CONTROLLED

2009-12-10T12:09:00.001-05:00

I AM WILD INTERNET ANIMAL

leroy p. dietz has been commenting on my blog

2009-12-10T12:07:00.003-05:00

I want to invite you to write a guest post, leroy, but not in your standard way of communicating, which, so far, has been a whole bunch of chinese characters linking to different shady web scams. I want to get to know the real Leroy P. Dietz.

nicholas mirra: blog?

2009-12-10T12:05:00.001-05:00

yes

names

2009-12-03T09:29:00.003-05:00

it's kind of funny if someone has a name that means something else (like chips ahoy, or philip head) and then that person's job has nothing to do with their suggestive name. i like to imagine meeting those people.

hi, my name's al, al dente. I'm a pediatrician

hello, i'm ray, ray deeayter. i fix rollercoasters.

hi, i'm lily, lily white, i am a mud importer

well, it's nice to meet you, i'm dirt bike, dirt bike jumping over a grand canyon. i'm from maine.

you get the idea

afghanistan

2009-12-03T09:22:00.002-05:00

I think that, above all else, Obama is a cool president and is therefore a good trendsetter. I think I'll be sending some troops into Afghanistan this winter as well. i'll finally be one step ahead of those stylish hipsters

be a music label

2009-11-30T09:52:00.006-05:00

sex piano is trying to offset part of the cost of our ep with this fundraising thing. if you want some cool stuff/to support sex piano so we can continue to record more music, check out the site.

blog

2009-11-26T11:09:00.000-05:00

blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog bl0g blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog

you know when you type a word so many times that it loses it's meaning? blog still means blog to me

blog blog blog blog

still blog

blog blog blog blog

there we go. what is blog?

Buster's son, Turnip

2009-11-24T09:32:00.003-05:00

Hi, I'm Turnip, Buster's son. You might remember Buster from last year's Thanksgiving. Well-- I'm an elder now, and it's my turn to be eaten. I sure am excited!

Well... the honest truth is that I'm NOT excited for Thanksgiving. I'm a transrefection identified turkey. That means, I'd rather be eating a delicious Thanksgiving meal than being served in one. As you can probably guess, this makes me an outcast in the turkey community. Most old-fashioned turkeys think I just need to go to summer camps where they teach you how delicious you will taste and how the turkey God wants us to be eaten. Then, we are eventually served as the main course of a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner, repressing all our desires to actually eat that dinner. Some of us transrefection Turkeys never even "come out of the Turkey shack" and realize what is happening to us.

Well, I'm out, and I'm saying it loud: I want to eat a warm, well-seasoned, filling Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. I don't want to be served as it's main dish.

If anyone has any questions about the turkey community and it's repression of transrefection identified turkeys, please leave them in the comments.

captions

2009-11-18T14:36:00.003-05:00

William Carlos Williams: so much depends upon the dog

Elena Carlos Williams: that is not great

William Carlos Williams: So much depends upon a blue dog

Elena: also bad

William: so much depends upon a red dog wheelbarrow

Elena: c'mon, bill

i'm in a recording studio

2009-11-18T14:18:00.002-05:00

sex piano is recording our ep professionally. we're done recording all the noises and we're hanging out while brian mixes it

we'll soon be starting a kickstarter campaign to fund part of the ep. i'll post about that but, no kidding you jerks, it's going to be very good to listen to on headphones or speakers or in a car or wherever. even the airport or in a mine or somewhere else

my sister wrote on my facebook wall that i should update my blog

2009-11-11T09:47:00.002-05:00

so here are some thoughts that i am literally thinking RIGHT NOW:

1. is it that hard to walk to the back of the trolley? person that needs to move back so we all can move down, we're not staring at you because you look good today. we're all staring at you because we can't move unless you move. and, yes, there is room back there. just move.

2. if we ever have world peace, what do you think the most violent form of fighting will be? will we still have fist fights at bars, or will people be all "that's a gateway violence. pretty soon you'll be fighting a war with bazookas"?

3.i caught a little bit of kanye west's storytellers episode on vh1 this morning. what a shitty guy

jorge posada looks like the rapist from sin city

2009-10-30T11:24:00.004-04:00

raul ibanez looks like voldemort

2009-10-30T11:16:00.003-04:00

manny,what you just said is basically the exact plot of donnie darko

2009-10-26T14:59:00.002-04:00

cmon dude

C'mon, use that big brain, Zack, that is not even what I was referring to

2009-10-26T14:55:00.005-04:00

Zack, use your huge head for good, not dumb. Most blogs were content to chalk it up to the shower thing but the actuality is that I went into the locker room and avoided a gigantic plane engine part falling onto my head. The thing is-- the plane was supposed to hit me, so now we are all in an alternate universe where I, Manny Ramirez, must somehow use my superpowers to save my weird girlfriend and send that plane part back into the past (killing my past-self in the process) while I sit on a car and watch and stop the universe from being torn apart under the weight of it's self-created time paradox.

The point is, after I do that, in the past-future, and die, the Dodgers don't lose the NLCS.

um manny

2009-10-26T14:55:00.001-04:00

you were in the shower, so you didn't even see it.

~zack

Why is everyone saying we lost the NLCS?

2009-10-26T14:52:00.003-04:00

Hi, It's me, Manny Ramirez. Why is everyone asking about the NLCS? We didn't lose. C'mon, everyone. Use your brain.

barnaby the saddest cactus

2009-10-22T10:05:00.002-04:00

sometimes i look at all my spines and wonder what's the point

don't walk in the bike lane, west philadelphians

2009-10-21T09:59:00.005-04:00

and if i zoom by you, don't scream "watch it, idiot!"

because you are the idiot for walking in the bike lane when there is a perfectly good sidewalk right next to where you are walking.

screaming that made you look like the idiot, not me. because i was on a bike. which is also why I could only muster up the ability to yell, "Hey! You walk, buddy!"

I know that what I yelled didn't make sense, but I was moving fast and was turned around, and I wasn't even sure if you could hear me anyway. Just wanted you to know that I meant to call YOU the idiot but didn't have time because of the fact that i was riding a bike in the lane designated for exactly that activity.

frymylentils.com

2009-10-15T09:49:00.002-04:00

i have no stove. fml

review of the twilight books that are selling well and apparently have a movie that goes along with them like harry potter

2009-10-14T15:22:00.004-04:00

In order to increase blog traffic, I'll be posting reviews of the books from the Twighlight series, which I've definitely read. Statistics have shown that if you even mention this series, blog traffic for 13-16 year old girls increases by 7000%, which is the only readership demographic that this blog is 100% lacking. Once I get a hold on that marketing group, I'll be rolling in ad money.

Anyways, Book 1:

As almost everyone has heard, the Twilight series is about vampires. I think there also might be some werewolves based on some posters I'm half remembering seeing. In any case, the interesting thing about vampires is that if a vampire is your friend, there is always that potential that they will kill you/make you a vampire, which gives them a mystique to teenage girls, it seems. Vampires are capable of seducing women despite their pasty skin and bad teeth (and let's not even mention their homicidal tendencies.) This is pretty dumb.

Some of the characters in this book are good guys, and some of them are bad guys. There is probably one guy who at first seems like a bad guy, but then manages to prove to one of the female protagonists that he has some good in him, thus making him attractive as a boyfriend, because he has that bad boy appeal, but makes the right choices in the end. He's either a rebel on the good guy side, or starts on the bad guy side but eventually comes over to the good guy side. He is made doubly attractive by the fact that he is a vampire.

Overall, I give the first book in this really popular series a B+, girls. Sure, it's amazing, but doesn't it need more drama and vampires? I think she should add more of those things to these popular books. Stay tuned to this blog and its advertisements.

freezemylake.com

2009-10-13T11:35:00.001-04:00

i want to go ice skating but it never gets cold enough and the lake in my backyard never freezes. fml.

feedmylion.com

2009-10-12T10:47:00.001-04:00

man i got like no money but my illegal pet lion is so hungry. fml.

What is IT (information technology)

2009-09-29T10:27:00.004-04:00

so i'm working on a computer and listening to some outkast. i do a little arm motion that was half dance move, half "im a thug" gesture, accidentally punched myself in the nose, and immediately got a nosebleed.

barnaby the saddest cactus

2009-09-24T10:40:00.003-04:00

i asked my mother what jobs there were for cacti. she said, "barnaby, there ain't no cactus jobs. just stand there and look pretty. hope that no one drills a drinkin' hole in ya."

at least a drinkin' hole would be something

standup comedy i heard while in a local bar in a parallel yet kind of different universe

2009-09-22T10:23:00.005-04:00

"What is the deal with airplane food? why is it crawling with little tiny baby aliens? why don't they just get chicken or meatballs or tofu or salad. The last thing I want to eat on a plane are little baby aliens."

"White people coming in from the rain have their own smell. Have you noticed this? They smell like dry dog."

"The biggest difference between men and women has got to be the size of their third arms. Women have huge third arms! Am I right, fellas?"

"I went to pet my floating dog, and I noticed he had taken a shit on the floor. But, because floors are ceilings in our dimension, it dripped everywhere! Why do floating dogs take shits on the floor-ceiling?"

"Cab drivers smell great, but have you ever noticed that they are always, always naked and have a little penguin friend sitting up in the front seat? I never see the cab driver interact with the penguin. What's the deal with that little weird penguin?"

barnaby the saddest cactus

2009-09-11T10:22:00.002-04:00

i will never, ever know what a hug is like

barnaby the saddest cactus

2009-09-01T11:43:00.003-04:00

i've been listening to a lot of elliot smith lately

you ever watch a clock for so long that the second hand seems to stop? that's what being me is like

barnaby the saddest cactus

2009-08-31T13:51:00.001-04:00

hi, i'm barnaby the saddest cactus. ugh. can't believe i had to wake up again today. sometimes i wish it would never rain again so i can just dry up and finally die.

not only is it hot in this desert, but the fox that has a hole near me finally stopped saying hi. i guess having a cactus friend is uncool or something. why doesn't anyone like me

SEX PIANO IN NYC TONIGHT

2009-08-28T11:39:00.003-04:00

http://pianosnyc.com/showroom/sex-piano-082809

Sex Piano is playing at Piano's in NYC tonight.

use your words bob dylan

2009-08-26T11:43:00.001-04:00

BABOO EELEE WUBUDA

2009-08-26T11:42:00.002-04:00

bob dylan no one can understand you

2009-08-26T11:40:00.002-04:00

EEMER! EEMER ROO! (Bob Dylan guest post)

2009-08-26T11:39:00.001-04:00

EEMER COUGH COUGH DABLA DEEEEEE SABADA SABADA

did you guys hear about bob dylan

2009-08-25T11:51:00.001-04:00

He got cuffed in NJ wandering around and looking sketchy. I've asked him to come post on this blog when he gets a minute so hopefully Bobby D will check in later today.

coffee

2009-08-20T14:40:00.010-04:00

stomach: yeah i mean it gets boring after the first season

brain: yeah, it's all got no clothes like the emperor in that cautionary tale

stomach: is it even on still?

brain: i think it is called heroes now

stomach: no that's a different show. lost is probably still on but now its like they're in the matrix or something.

brain: haha yeah probably

mouth: uh warm stuff coming through

throat: ok cool it down before it gets to me OW what the hell

mouth: haha

coffee: HI GUYS

stomach: uh hi

coffee: BEAUTIFUL MORNING ISNT IT

stomach: yeah dude, calm down, we are all still pretty tired

coffee: I AM CALM AS RAINDROPS

brain: what does that even mean

coffee: BRAIN DO YOU WANT TO TANGO DANCE WITH ME JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP

brain: no leave me alone goddamnit

coffee: BRAIN YOU HAVE TO GO NUTS NOW

brain: BUT I DONT WANT TO OH FUCK NOW LOOK AT ME DAMNIT

coffee: HEART DO YOU WANT TO BEAT FAST

heart: no what the hell

coffee: DO IT ITS THE COOLEST

heart: no

coffee: HANDS, GET SWEATY. DO IT. HEART, BEAT FAST

heart: OK THUMP THUMP THUMP

hands: WE ARE SWEATY

brain: OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO HAHA YOUTUBE IS FUNNY

stomach: i have to poo right now

coffee: YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS

Transformers 3: It Turns Out Shia Labeouf Is a Jet Ski

2009-08-18T10:47:00.002-04:00

captions

2009-08-14T10:29:00.002-04:00

Coconut Rum: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

oh hello there

2009-08-07T13:27:00.005-04:00

I was walking back to my office from lunch and, when walking down the sidewalk by the 30th Street Post Office Annex, I saw a gigantic pile of human shit. This pile was the size of a birthday cake for 15-20 people. It smelled terrible, and was right out in the open, just off Chestnut St. The Annex is next to a Halfway house, which is next to my office building. Most people walking by it probably assume it was from someone who is currently staying at the Halfway House. I did too, for a second, but then I considered the implications.

I'd imagine that a homeless person has to take shits on the street more than the average citizen. This means that they'd be less likely to take one in the middle of the day, on a very busy corner. They probably would know to go the extra 200 yards and go under the Walnut St. bridge, which provides more cover.

I think that this pile was from a regular citizen running up 31st street. There are no bathrooms available in the vicinity and all the buildings are locked and hard to get to, anyway. They must have had needed to go so bad that they chose one of the most public places in the entire city (during the workday, anyway).

UPDATE:

I wrote this on Friday. Biking by this morning (monday), I saw that there was a small pile of charcoal and lots of burn marks all over the sidewalk where the pile used to be. That was probably the smelliest campfire in the history of S 31st street.

cool video of a zombie singing a song to a crowd

2009-08-06T12:36:00.000-04:00

bill clinton

2009-08-05T09:56:00.007-04:00

Hi, I'm Bill Clinton, the 42nd President of the United States. I was a fantastic president, despite the sex scandals that plagued my administration. I'm sure you know that, and I appreciate the fact that you do.

I'm not here today to talk to you about our economy, or the current administration, or Iraq, or Iran, or even Uzbekistan. I'm here to tell you that I can rescue anyone from anywhere, at any time. Cat stuck in a tree? Done. I'll climb that thing and get it down. Loved one in Federal Prison? Just call me Tim Robbins, from that movie with Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption. Dead person, in heaven? I can reanimate their body into a friendly zombie, because I'm Bill Clinton, and you've never met anyone like me.

comments on youtube about dave matthews band videos

2009-08-03T16:44:00.004-04:00

"this song made me realise i had to break up with my previous boyfriend. Now i have the best BF ever, and he likes DMB too...:D"

"You're simply retarded. Dave Matthews Band is one of the most talented group of musicians to ever grace the Earth. You look towards the negative aspects of music. Take the music they produced for what its worth. Good luck finding a better sounding band live, with the exception of only Pink Floyd. If you can find me an extraordinary musician compared to anyone in Dave Matthews Band I'd be surprised."

"The emotion Dave transmits from 5:27 on gets me deep... I cannot avoid goosebumps with this performance... Dave is so into the song that it's impossible not to hear over and over again"

"this is amazing dmb is the best band since the 70's "

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH

SUMMER 2008"

Introduction from Horse's book, "Ask A Horse Anything in a Book"

2009-07-29T11:44:00.003-04:00

A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID TO ME HI HORSE WRITE A BOOK WITH ANSWERS FOR QUESTIONS IN IT. I KNOW THAT HUMANS HAVE HARD TIMES MAKING DECISIONS BECAUSE OF THEIR OBNOXIOUSLY LARGE BRAINS AND EVERYONE I MEET THINKS THAT A HORSE IS A GOOD ANIMAL TO ASK QUESTIONS TO AND TO GET ANSWERS FROM BECAUSE A HORSE BRAIN IS HONEST ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME. ZACK CAN I STOP DICTATING TO YOU BECAUSE I HAVE TO PEE. DID YOU KNOW THAT HORSE PEE IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT HONEST. WHEN A HORSE PEES HE MEANS IT.

- HORSE

Harry Potter 8: What Is The Spell for Fixing Erectile Dysfunction?

2009-07-28T10:16:00.003-04:00

or Harry Potter 8: Let's Buy A Magic Dog

or

Harry Potter 8: Voldemort 2

What is the next hot contagious disease?

2009-07-28T09:35:00.000-04:00

Do we know when the next trendiest sickness is? I'd like to make sure my fall outfits match the color of the vomit

Major League 4: OK For Real There Is No Way They Will Win This Time

2009-07-23T12:36:00.003-04:00

encino man 2: oh this is just my pet dog that we buried 7 years ago

2009-07-23T12:32:00.001-04:00

Apocalypse Now 2 : Apocalypse Later

2009-07-23T11:59:00.001-04:00

The Lord of the Rings 4: Sauron's Bracelet Is Also Evil

2009-07-23T11:57:00.003-04:00

The Matrix 4: Oh Shit The Robots Are In Another Matrix Controlled By Even More Powerful Robot Computers

2009-07-23T11:55:00.000-04:00

The Rock 2: Where is Sean Connery? He Has To Go Back To Prison Now

2009-07-23T11:54:00.001-04:00

Look Who's Talking Again: The Kid Actually Grows Up To Be Bruce Willis

2009-07-23T09:31:00.002-04:00

Spy Kids 11-D : String Theory

2009-07-22T15:53:00.000-04:00

Apollo 14: Nothing Dangerous Happens

2009-07-22T14:00:00.001-04:00

A Beautiful Mind 2: Even Crazier Scientist Dude

2009-07-22T13:54:00.001-04:00

Air Bud 7 : Iraq

2009-07-22T13:52:00.002-04:00

Back To the Future 4: Now

2009-07-22T13:50:00.000-04:00

Home Alone 4: Buried Alive

2009-07-22T13:49:00.000-04:00

Weekend at Bernie's 3: Dragging Around FDR's Corpse

2009-07-20T09:55:00.002-04:00

Think about it

Manny's Charities

2009-07-14T12:27:00.005-04:00

Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. You might remember me from this blog or from professional baseball. However you know me, it's important to me that you understand the various charities I do work for. Charity work is the most important part of my life. Please feel free to donate to any of my charities below.

The Manny says Don't Litter, Kids Youth Outreach Center

The Manny Ramirez Center for Orphans Who Are Good at Baseball

The Manny Ramirez Foundation for Bringing Dinosaurs Back

The Manny says Boys Shouldn't Feel Gay for Wearing Cool Earrings Network

The Ramirez Center for Mailing You a Banana If You Email Us and Explain Why You Couldn't Afford a Banana Otherwise

You can find all these charities and more at my website, which can be found by typing my name into Googity the search engine. That is what I usually do. It is in the top part of the page once you type it in. Also, 50% of the profits from my "Don't Do Cocaine, Ever" book series goes to my charities, so feel free to pick up all of them at a local bookstore.

Thanks, kids.

Manny Ramirez, signing off.

What is IT (information technology)

2009-07-10T14:41:00.001-04:00

Dear Zack,
My computer is blinking since this morning.
Thanks,
________

top 5 worst past tense forms of the nebulous verb people try to use when talking about Twitter

2009-07-08T11:04:00.003-04:00

5)twitted

4)twut

3)tweetered

2)twit

1)twat

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

2009-07-08T10:50:00.006-04:00

A pig man builds a toy sailboat to sail in the pond near his house. He falls asleep near the pond and wakes up the next morning to find that his feet have turned into regular man feet. He goes to the pig man doctor, who cannot explain it. The pig man wakes up the next day to find that his legs are now regular man legs, and he begins to get really scared. All the other pig men laugh at him. Eventually, after about 2 weeks, his whole body has changed, and he must move from pig man town to regular man town, where he gets a job at a bookstore. No one believes him that he used to be a pig man, and eventually the pig man himself forgets his past. Was it all a dream?

is it ok

2009-07-07T14:29:00.003-04:00

to have a zombie michael jackson character on my blog yet? i dont know the ethics of this one

dude

2009-07-07T11:32:00.001-04:00

sorry, I forgot to post for awhile. I am busy at work and also lazy.

captions

2009-06-26T14:23:00.003-04:00

Tim: HEY WHAT THE HELL YOU SAID I WOULD NEVER BE UPSIDE DOWN
Phil: Tim! I'm so sorry! I promise we will fix this immediately!
Tim: YOU SAID IF I VISITED YOU ON LAND I WOULD NEVER BE UPSIDE DOWN
Phil: Again, Tim, I am so sorry!
Tim: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO VISIT YOU ON LAND IN THE FIRST PLACE PHIL

The Man Who Found God in a Bucket

2009-06-25T09:09:00.005-04:00

Robert Dipples was an ordinary citizen of the United States of America. He had a wife, 2 children, a dog, and a house in the suburbs with a picket fence. He worked in a corner office of an Insurance Agency. One day, on his way out to pick up some milk, he discovered a bucket on the side of the road. Normally, he would ignore a bucket, but this time, for an unknown reason, he looked inside. He found a frog in that bucket. The frog spoke to him, and said:

"It is I, the Lord, your God. I have come down to earth and taken the form of a frog. Do as I command, for you are my servant, Robert Dipples."

Robert said, "I cannot believe that you are the Lord. Why did you take the shape of a frog?"

The frog said, "Why do bad things happen to good people? I am full of mysteries."

And so Robert took the frog home and showed it to his wife. The frog did not speak, and his wife thought he was crazy, and made him sleep on the couch. In the middle of the night, the frog spoke:

"Robert, in the morning, go out, and get me a fish tank. But do not fill it with water. Instead, but little glass rocks and a bigger fake rock at the bottom, then put me in it."

And so he did.

The next month, the frog spoke again:

"Robert, do a backflip."

Robert said, "I've never done one. What if I break my neck? I am 37 years old."

The frog said, "Do a backflip."

Robert tried and fell on his head, spraining his neck and knocking over an antique vase. His wife yelled at him.

"The God-Frog told me to do it," said Robert.

"I want a divorce," said his wife.

And so they got one.

Robert moved into a small apartment in the city. The frog said nothing. Months later, in the middle of the night, Robert heard it speak:

"Robert, do a cartwheel, but only use one hand."

Robert said nothing.

"Robert, do a one-handed cartwheel right now."

Robert again said nothing.

"ROBERT! IT IS I! JEHOVAH! DO A ONE-HANDED CARTWHEEL OR THE WHOLE WORLD WILL KNOW MY WRATH!"

Robert, again, said nothing.

"VERY WELL!"

Storm clouds gathered outside. Robert went to the window, and saw lightning strike a tree.

Robert said, "Why are you doing this, Frog-God?"

The frog said, "Robert, I am very mysterious. You can never know my intellect or reasons, for they are too vast for your tiny man-mind."

Robert said, "I just cannot understand."

The frog said, "I know. Do a one-handed cartwheel."

And so he did and kind of hurt his shoulder.

"Hahaha," said the Frog-God, "You looked pretty stupid. Hahahaha. Awesome."

Short Novels

2009-06-23T09:28:00.002-04:00

I will be writing a few short novels today. Here is the first one.

Time-Warp Machine

by
Zack Grunau

In the year 3452, most men and women don't even wear clothes any more, because human skin has evolved to form a protective layer. Everyone kind of looks like an elephant because the skin is hard and dry. There are also a bunch of scientists that are working on a machine that can literally travel through time. One night, a scientist named Betty comes into the lab late to grab a space-coat she left there. On a whim, she decides to reverse the polarity of conductors on the machine to see if it makes it more efficient, and she is whisked away to the year 2045, where everyone wears clothes and she is considered a horrible freak. The irony is, in her time, she is considered very beautiful. The people of 2045 call her elephant woman. Eventually, she invents another time-warp machine and goes back home to 3452, exhausted.

i am 25 and i have no career

2009-06-22T12:08:00.004-04:00

Like the average american, I am in my mid-twenties and don't know a fucktruck about what I'd like to do with my life. Careers I have read about/considered this morning:

-Teach High School

-Lawyering

-Professional Rock and Roll Artist

-Blogging for $$$$$$

-Writing a kickass Sci-Fi book (I am still stuck on page 40 or so of my current attempt to write about a future society that does not know it is in the future)

-My mom says my blog is funny and that I should be a professional comedy writer

-My dad says I should be a doctor or a lawyer

-Invent a device that lets people do backflips easily

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

2009-06-18T11:09:00.005-04:00

A dragon named Hobbit ventures out of his cave one morning to find that all the people in the town that he normally ravages have left. Hobbit burns the town and then goes in search of the people that used to live there. Over a long journey, he realizes that without people to destroy, he has no meaning in his life. Eventually, he finds a small town and murders all the children. He learns that home is not his old mountain, but rather anywhere he can murder and destroy a community.

5 hour energy

2009-06-17T13:29:00.001-04:00

5 hour energy: Get a stomachache while you run up a mountain, apparently, then have trouble falling asleep later

iPod Nano

2009-06-17T13:21:00.002-04:00

Ipod Nano: For women who have like 3 gigabytes of the Shins, Feist, and Citizen Cope on their computer

GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL

2009-06-17T13:16:00.004-04:00

George Foreman Grill: Make Nine Sandwiches then Leave on your Kitchen Counter for Two Years

HONEST PRODUCT DESCRIPTIONS

2009-06-17T13:12:00.002-04:00

Today I will take products and then produce an advertising slogan that is both honest and catchy.

Lunchables: Very small food for dumb children.

whatever

2009-06-17T11:18:00.004-04:00

what is the deal with airplanes. how many wings do you fucking need?

also, my mom loves the smell of coffee, but hates it's taste. i feel the same way about gasoline.

As you can probably surmise, I am attempting to become a stand up comic. Those are some examples of jokes that I will be telling in my live show. Here are some more.

- Have you been to Blockbuster video lately? It just feels like new releases all the time in there-- they barely have any old movies.

-Soup from a can is OK most of the time.

- A priest and a rabbi have an argument-- the irony is, they are both on a lifeboat, about to die.

-Has anyone else noticed that rivers are getting polluted?

- Q: What has two thumbs and wants to tell you what to do? A: My boss at work

hi blog

2009-06-16T10:50:00.001-04:00

alright, i am back and connected to the internet. i'll be back later with some thoughts on stuff or whatever

i am going to bonnaroo

2009-06-09T14:18:00.003-04:00

to park cars and then go see some music. i will not have the internet because it will be at a muddy field and not a computer. enjoy the www.youtube.com or www.google.com internet sites in the meantime.

Thanks,
Zack "Grunau" Blog

chilluns books

2009-06-08T15:19:00.005-04:00

Harriet the Spy
by Louise Fitzhugh

The year is 1953. Little Harriet is just your average third grader, except for the fact that she is working for the US government as the youngest spy in the country's history! Harriet has many adventures secretly spying on teachers that high up government officials believe to be communist sympathizers. Harriet succeeds in getting many of her favorite teachers locked up forever. However, when Mr. Spooler, Harriet's absolute favorite teacher, is put on the list, Harriet begins to doubt her supervisors. This soon passes, and Harriet forges some evidence against Mr. Spooler. He is arrested for treason against the state, and Harriet is given a medal.

children's books

2009-06-08T14:17:00.005-04:00

The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
by C.S. Lewis

Jennifer and her younger sister, Ophelia, venture out of their home in the Bronx to find a lion in their front yard. They spend the morning covering it with flowers, dancing around it, and singing songs. The lion appears to be asleep, so they break into their mean step-mother's (who they have dubbed "The Witch") wardrobe and put different clothes on the lion. They go inside to have lunch, and when they come back out, the lion is gone. Ophelia cries all day. Later, when the two girls are watching the news on television with their dad and step-mom, the anchorman reveals that a lion attacked and killed a family down the street at some point that day. The police came and shot the lion as it ate the father of the family. The news then shows a photo of the lion, which is wearing The Witch's favorite sun dress and hat. Jennifer and Ophelia suppress giggles as their stepmother wonders how on earth the lion had procured the exact same outfit as her own.

a post in which i make up a plot summary to an existing children's book

2009-06-08T09:30:00.007-04:00

The Giver
by Lois Lowry

An old man realizes that he has spent the majority of his life in the city, and not in nature, as he always meant to do. Now dying, he looks back and remembers his childhood in the forests of southern New Jersey, and his best friend Phil, who still lives in there. The old man goes back to his home town, only to find that the forests have been paved over and that Phil now owns a tire shop and has severe alcoholism. Phil takes the old man out to buy him a drink and confesses that he has no recollection of his childhood because of his heavy drinking for so many years. The old man gives Phil a dried leaf that he has saved. It is from a tree that haunts the old man's memory. Phil loses the leaf on his way back to the bus. When Phil gets home, his wife asks where he was, and Phil tells her to be quiet. The old man goes back to northern New Jersey.

for more children's book summaries, click here

blog

2009-06-05T16:28:00.001-04:00

Captions

2009-06-02T15:41:00.004-04:00

cop: you are finally arrested, mark the mafioso wombat.
mark: how did you figure out that i did all those crimes?
cop: you pooped everywhere

Michelangelo

2009-06-02T13:24:00.006-04:00

zg: hi is this mike?

m: what time is it?

zg: this is zack grunau from the internet. can we do an interview for my blog?

m: oh my god oh my god. is this eric?

zg: no it's zack, from a blog.

m: eric i am wasted

zg: this is not eric.

m: eric man where the FUCK is my islanders jersey

zg: again, this is zack grunau, from the blogosphere.

m: fuck fuck fuck fuck where is it? am i out of nugs? oh, here are some. where is that fucking jersey?

zg: what is it like being two dimensional?

m: did you just call me an asshole?

zg: i didn't mean personality wise. i mean, what is it like to not extend into the third dimension? can you see in 3-d?

m: eric what the fuck is this if you are coming over bring a pizza, like fifteen apples, and some vicodin. *hangs up*

Big Bird

2009-06-01T10:22:00.003-04:00

zg: is this big bird?

bb: yes, this is big. who's calling?

zg: this is zack from enter blog title here. your receptionist set up the interview?

bb: (puts phone down, barely audible in background) SHEILA ENOUGH WITH THIS

zg: are you there?

zg: hello?

bb: yeah, i'm here. what do you want?

zg: i just wanted to ask you some questions for a segment on my blog.

bb: i'm familiar with your blog. SHEILA BRING ME A TOASTER PASTRY

zg: excuse me?

bb: sheila is my receptionist STRAWBERRY GODDAMNIT

zg: well, let's get started with the interview.

bb: FINE, BLUEBERRY. WHY BOTHER BUYING ANY OTHER FLAVOR YOU FUCKING KNOW I LIKE STRAWBERRY ok sounds good to me, zack. what would you like to know?

zg: uh, big, what is it like to be an icon for children's edutainment?

bb: pretty great.

zg: do you ever feel boxed in by your role on Sesame Street?

bb: yeah, i'm marlon brando trapped in a bird suit over here WHERE IS MY FUCKING TOASTER PASTRY SHEILA

zg: what is your favorite episode of sesame street?

bb: i dont know, the one when q was the letter and count had a hard on for his entire segment.

zg: really?

bb: yeah he was in the middle of getting a handjob from one of the makeup guys when they called him to set.

zg: the count is gay?

bb: this is hollywood. everyone is gay.

zg: thanks, big bird.

bb: THIS IS BOYSENBERRY

monday

2009-06-01T09:08:00.003-04:00

It's Monday, and everyone knows what that means--- I'll be doing interviews with characters from children's tv shows that are assholes in real life

Alphabet

2009-05-29T11:56:00.001-04:00

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
ZACK RULES

captions

2009-05-27T10:05:00.002-04:00

Woman: Nice rebound.
Man: Thanks. Nice dribble.
Woman: Thanks.
Man: I love basketball

captions

2009-05-21T10:53:00.007-04:00

soldier: Who wants a pink stuffed bunny?
boy: None of us.
soldier: None of you? Not even probably gay Timmy?
Timmy: I guess I do kind of want one yeah

embalming

2009-05-20T09:53:00.003-04:00

While in college, I wrote a paper for my "science for assholes" class (I was a philosophy major.) It took 20 minutes, with no fuss, and no proofreading. Wham, bam, thank you, science. The professor posted them all on the internet. Not only is my paper Google's first result for "Embalming Humans," but someone used it as an answer to this Yahoo question in NZ. This is the best paper I've ever written. Things like this get me pumped about the internet.

What is IT (information technology)

2009-05-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

phone rings

me: hello?
the nothing: hey zack it is the nothing.
me: yo, the n, what's up
tn: not much. listen i know you hate this, but can you help me out with my computer?
me: ugh, c'mon dude. not cool.
tn: sorry, it's just that i have an e-script on there and i could really use your help.
me: fine. what's up?
tn: ok so i went to boot it up.
me: yeah?
tn: then it disappeared.
me: uh
tn: then my house disappeared.
me: wait what
tn: everything is being sucked into me like a vortex.
me: dude i dont think that's an it problem
tn: well now i dont have a computer
me: yeah but it sounds like its a greater issue
tn: what do you mean
me: well i don't have it in front of me so i can't say for sure, but it sounds like the dreams of a thousand children have died
tn: huh
me: don't you remember like 5 thanksgivings ago? we are all hanging out and then you expanded and turned your grandparents' whole town into a big emptiness
tn: yeah i just thought that was food poisoning
me: no dude it was because of youtube killing the imagination of all those kids
tn: oh yeah
me: maybe that is why your computer disappeared
tn: are you sure it isn't the RAM

The Nothing

2009-05-14T15:20:00.003-04:00

I am proud to feature many guest bloggers on this blog: my conscience monkeys, young soviet dictators, Manny Ramirez, a horse, and others.

Today we have a special post from The Nothing, who most of you probably remember from the film "The Neverending Story." Since that movie, The Nothing has been typecast in Hollywood, only appearing as dark and ominous storms, most notably as a backup storm for "Twister," and a moderate sea storm in "Deep Impact." He'd like to improve his public image. Take it away, The Nothing.

'

Thanks, Zack.

Ever since appearing as the evil philosophical entity in "The Neverending Story," I've been unable to land a role as anything but a storm. While I admit that I play a fierce storm capable of frightening both children and adults, my acting has a far greater range, and I'd like the chance to show that off. Sure, I've had some interesting Indie parts. I got to play the silence between Bill Murray and Scarlett Johanson in "Lost in Translation," which was fun, but nothing extraordinary. Some of you also might remember me as the storm in "Magnolia" that rained frogs. Still, while amusing, these projects don't satisfy all my desires as an actor.

My pet dog, Fluffy-Buffers, has had the same problem

One little role in a children's movie and, BAM! Typecast for the rest of his days. If you are a director and you read this blog, please consider me or Fluffy-Buffers for any of your projects.

Ask a Horse Anything

2009-05-14T14:28:00.003-04:00

Dear Horse,
Where do we go when we die?
Sincerely,
Molly, Age 8

DEAR MOLLY,
I AM A BROWN HORSE. SOME HORSES ARE DIFFERENT COLORS BUT I AM BROWN. MY FATHER HORSE WAS BROWN. MY MOTHER HORSE WAS BROWN. SHE HAD A WHITE SPOT ON HER BACK. NOW SHE IS DEAD.
YOURS ALWAYS,
HORSE

captions 33

2009-05-12T12:51:00.002-04:00

Snake: DO NOT BE AFRAID. I AM A SENTIENT SNAKE FROM THE FUTURE. I HAVE TRAVELED TRHOUGH TIME TO PROTECT YOU. THERE IS A TERMINATOR ROBOT SNAKE FROM THE FUTURE COMING TO KILL YOU, LIKE IN THE MOVIE TERMINATOR, EXCEPT WITH SNAKES

BREAKING NEWS: a response from Manny Ramirez

2009-05-07T12:05:00.007-04:00

As many of you are probably starting to hear, I have just tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and am facing a 50 game suspension. The media is spinning this story out of control. Their facts are all wrong. Here is what really happened:

A friend of mine, Mrs. Frizzle, asked if she could take her elementary school class on a field trip. I asked why she was asking me (Manny Ramirez), and she told me that it was no normal field trip (not that any of her field trips are normal!). She asked if she could shrink her class (and their wonderful bus, which I lived in for 7 years after college), and go inside of my body for a tour!

How could I say no to Mrs. Frizzle? She has been a friend and lover to me for many years now. Anyways, while her class was exploring my cardiovascular system, I was called in for drug testing. I tried to explain the situation to the testers, but no one believed me. The performance enhancing drug they found was actually a very tiny school bus full of some of my best friends. It's all in the book that's going to be published in about a week. Hopefully, the book will clear the air and I'll be allowed to play baseball again.

Be sure to check out The Magic School Bus: Inside of Manny Ramirez's Body next Tuesday. It will be in the children's book section of your local bookstore.

Ask a Horse Anything

2009-05-07T10:56:00.002-04:00

"Dear Horse,
I've committed serious tax fraud my whole life. I haven't been caught, and I will be passing on soon. My children are set to inherit my now gigantic estate. I haven't told anyone about my fraud, and I'm worried that it will catch up with my children. They are all depending on receiving part of my "empire," and I'd hate to see the Government eat it all up! Is there anything I can do to help the situation?
Sincerely,
Phil"

DEAR PHIL,
I CAN FIT THREE APPLES IN MY MOUTH. DON'T HIT ME WITH A STICK. I AM ALREADY RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN SO STOP IT.
YOURS,
HORSE

Ask a Horse Anything

2009-05-06T14:10:00.006-04:00

"Dear Horse,

I've been promoted, but that means I'll have to move from my comfortable home in Chicago to Singapore! I've never been out of the country, and I am quite nervous. Do you have any tips for a first time world traveler living in a TOTALLY new place?

Thanks,
Bill"

DEAR BILL,
MY DICK IS HUGE
YOURS,
HORSE

ween at bonnaroo 2004

2009-05-05T15:31:00.001-04:00

how can a band be this good for 3 hours? this will play all the songs but not show you the titles.

Ask a Horse Anything

2009-05-04T10:43:00.005-04:00

zackgrunau.blogspot.com is very proud to be offering weekly installments of "Ask a Horse Anything." As most of you know, AAHA has been a staple of the Sunday advice columns in your local newspapers, and it is now being syndicated in the blogoworld. And now, without further ado, here is our first installment.

"Dear Horse,

I am a Jewish woman, aged 24, and living at home with my parents. My father is very strict and will only allow me to see Jewish men. However, I have fallen in love with a Catholic man and we wish to secretly elope. I know my father would never approve, but I hate to lie to him. Should I run off with the man of my dreams, or should I try to get my father to understand, and risk being cut off from my one true love?

Thanks,
Liz"

DEAR LIZ,
I AM HUNGRY BUT ALSO I AM POOPING. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE HAY IS? HEY WHO PUT THIS THING ON MY FOOT? IT HURTS.
YOURS,
HORSE